So it’s been a while since I’ve written a post and I thought It’s probably high time I should, okay maybe not high time since 4/20 already passed. 😛
Anyway, my reasons for not having posted in a while are numerous and we won’t be discussing any of that today except to acknowledge one of the publicly speculated reasons for my absence being absent (the Betty White aliens)… is 100% true and if Betty White wasn’t leading the conspiracy she totally would agree with me!
Anyway, I’m not predisposed to discussing that further right now as my digital therapist advises me that the paranoid delusions are an integral part of my healing process, so I’m going to take that artificial medicinal recommendation because, my body er… my delusion, my choice!!!
Or… something like that.
Anyway, that left me with the problem of what should I talk about? I mean, it would be totally weird if I just came out and was like…
Without some kind of acknowledgment, it feels like it would be weird. Besides I’m absolutely certain that level of advanced neural network would have to be “paid content” and definitely you’d need to accept all my tracking cookies before I could even think about sharing it with you! But not wanting to have to build all those tracking cookies (it’s such a pain), I decided maybe I’ll just Heinz 57 on some of the content I’d been neglecting to read cuz I’ve been super-duper super busy… anyway a few weeks back I read a post by a blogger named Pinkie that I have mentioned in previous posts. After reading her post and soberly stumbling my way into her… uh… comments section, I found that it was unusually empty, Killroy hadn’t even been… so it was the perfect tabula rasa on which I could paint a masterpiece!
It’s not that I had anything important to say about the topic of discussion and most definitely I did not say anything “offensive” or “rude”, no, no… that would be way too “crude” and that is just a desktop shortcut that connects with how to lose friends and influence people not to listen to you. And, it’s not that her post wasn’t interesting either… people just didn’t comment for whatever reason and I’m not actually sure if anyone ever did because I got busy with other things and never checked back in on my latest magnum opus… but that’s beside the point because it wasn’t that important anyway.
So anyway, I saw an opportunity to use all that wonderful blank comment section silence to my delicious amusement and injected a little random chaos into the situation. Essentially what I did what leave a “comment bomb” that was so off topic, so long and bazaar (but again… not actually “offensive” or “racist” or anything like that at all) just a long winded weird story that was incredibly out of place which had nothing to do with her post and I think it was slightly over 2000 words making it on par with the length of her post. I would have gone longer but even my amusement has limits and doesn’t involve me wasting my time… too much. 😛
Ultimately, Pinkie and I are both adults who knew what we were doing and well, together… our literary collaboration created something beautiful… artistically and aesthetically delusional, but beautiful none the less!
Now I’m not going to link to the post, instead what I’ll do is casually declare a scavenger hunt and challenge you to go find it if you are curious… Here’s the link to Pinkies Paradise Blog and as an added hint I’ll remind you that my comment was within the past few weeks. 🙂
Anyway, as a result of my little scheme I kinda owe her for completely closing out comments for all time on her post (unverified but oh so true 😛 ), so when I saw that she recently revamped the metaphysical manifestation of her literary preeminence domain, I knew I could repay her chaotic gesture of kindness of not deleting my nonsensical comment by giving her and all her ilk the opportunity to see their beloved realm they so lovingly call “Paradise”.
Certainly, it would have to be digital because I can’t just make islands by crossing my arms and blinking my eyes like Barbara Eden has been known to do… though I did go out on a limb and make the island sufficiently “incomplete” and “different” enough that you cannot say they are “the same” because as an American there is nothing greater that I fear and respect while also simultaneously irrationally reveling in than litigiousness. Yea, hear ye hear ye… all rise, the judiciary giveth and the judiciary eminent domainly taketh away… AMEN!
So, with my own highly mental assurances that I could not be sued by her fandom menace in the off chance they don’t like my efforts, I set to work assembling their Paradise Island as a Unity 3D game/application that she and her disciples may enjoy a digital respite in their native island homeland of Paradise (but I built and altered it in my free time so as not to be a “derivative work” except as “satire and parody” ensuring that my efforts fall under the title of “Fair Use”).
I dunno man, the laws weird but as far as branding is concerned I think the depiction of her island is appropriately sized for the most part but I also tend to imagine that just like the Jurassic Park island is much bigger than the digital cartoon representation of it is depicted because you’ve got to have space for the Gallimimus to get eaten by a hangry (not misspelled, just slang) T-Rex and young prince Timothy to get electrocuted, similarly I also imagine her island as at least a few square miles/kilometers or more with the current official Paradise map and the sizes and locations of things being a sort of a hyperbolic over simplification to aid island visitors with orienting themselves towards the pool or the all important buffet line which of course is 24/7 all you can eat, try the Lobster Thermidor it is TO DIE FOR and the lobster proved it!
Though honestly, I feel like her island NEEDS a volcano or at least one that is island adjacent (preferably in view of the cheeseburger buffet) because society has preconditioned me to irrationally believe that most tropical islands have such things and with volcano’s being so popular in the news right now for some indeterminable reason I think it only a logical business decision for her and her minions to either acquire one or to Walt Disney magic one into existence with some hot glue, cardboard, paper mache, sodium bicarbonate and a little vinegar (don’t forget the food coloring and bonus points will be awarded for tasteful use of glitter) so it can Los Vegas entertain her guests with its regular eruptions on schedule and she would probably do well to hold the occasional disgruntled guest sacrifice so as to cargo-cult appease the baking-soda gods.
But in any case, those are decisions best left to Pinkie and her ministry of propaganda, all I can say is that I hope she enjoys my peace offering and doesn’t opt to throw me into the volcano one day for my cantankerousness but no matter because like Martha Stewart says, it’s a good thing.
Now as usual, there is a themed wallpaper based on today’s topic:
Certainly it falls short of an eternal greatness nobody sought but uh… it’s my free gift to you!
Now, notice I neglected to select any musical accompaniment for today’s post but in keeping with the famous chaotician Ian Malcolm’s love of chaos it probably would have been something like Cheeseburger in Paradise… eh, why not… may I present that American creation on which I feed:
Okay, in all truth and honesty, without further adieu, knowing full well my audience has a limited attention span, in full recognition of all that is decent and holy, in complete perpetuity, zero money down and no money due at lease, refi as needed, 100% repairs not included, full money back guarantee and we’ll even throw in the heated leather seats with a 10 year guaranteed spare extra-golden shower parachute for your whole family as a signing bonus!
Why the hell did I just write that? It’s crude and borderline offensive to like probably everybody!? I could press the backspace button but… nah, screw it! People skim read these things anyway so I think the odds anyone actually read that last paragraph is basically null.
Er… what I mean to say is… let’s look at the Pink Paradise Island:
Pink Paradise Island
So as I said I built this game/app in Unity 3D as a first person “freerunner” and of course thematically it’s set on a pink paradise island that is conceptually (satirically and parodically as required by law so I don’t get sued) is loosely based on her intellectual property of the island called Paradise.
There is a “day/night” cycle that processes through it’s loop every three minutes.
There are two songs used in the game/app:
The first is called The Beach Where Dreams Die which loops during the “Main Menu” screen.
The second is called Enchanted Tiki 86 which loops while you run around the island and I think really goes with the retro hot pink palm trees vibe the game has.
Both songs are available under the CC0 license (the best Creative Commons License) and even though it’s not required I would still like to thank the authors for making their music available to creators to use for free! Both creators have a Patreon available from the links above if you would like to support them.
Here’s a screenshot of the “Main Menu”:
Notice how truly original and ground breaking this menu layout is! Also, you gotta dig that cartoon hand for a cursor!
Here’s an aerial view of the island:
The lights scattered around the paths are animated pink flame torches.
Here’s a screenshot of the “Escape menu”:
Not sure if it’s really noticeable through all the pink and buttons but the background for the menu is a starfish and sea shells. 🙂 You can access this menu at any time while playing by pressing the escape key.
Here’s a screenshot of the “Kaiju” styled lake at “dusk”:
Note the pink flame torches and although it’s really dark, there is a boat on the shore of the lake to the right. You can also see that I implemented a compass at the top of the screen to help you find the buffet!
Easter Eggs AKA: Totally Not Lazy Development:
The island is surrounded by invisible walls to keep you mostly on the land but… I did leave a few sections that shouldn’t be too hard to find further in the water to allow you to see what is under the ocean (and the lake on the island) if you want too… though I can assure you it’s just empty space and the water is “backface culled” so you can’t even see the water line when under it and I didn’t even implement any underwater VFX so it’s pretty plain under there but feel free to look if you are curious!
The controls are a simple “first person” keyboard interface and are the same on all platforms.
Movement: WASD Keys or Arrow Keys
Run: Left Shift
Jump: Space Bar
Menu: Escape Key
How to Get It / Play It
You can play the WebGL version online on my GitHub Pages account by clicking this link:
Run In Browser (No Download Required): Pink Paradise Island
You can also download it for free and run it on your local machine for an improved experience involving higher frame-rates and better texture rendering (especially the pink flame torches). WebGL is great but native is still better!
I compiled it to run natively on the Windows, MacOS and Linux platforms.
Download on GitHub: Pink Paradise Island
No matter how you play Pink Paradise Island, I hope you enjoy playing it as much as enjoyed making it!
This is the part of the post where I fail to “humorously” shill for myself so here goes…
All I cans Patreon is think about while I plagiarize that commercial but since the island from today’s post is plagiarized too I figured fuck it! So, uh… Patreon, Patreon, Patreon… Patreon, Patreon, Patreon, Patreon Patreon, Patreon… P A T R E O N. Patreon: PATREON. Pa-tre-on? Patreon!
If not, no Patreon worries! 😉